End of October

31 October 2009: very last day of the month. Time has flew super duper fast! Can't believe we are only left with 2 months before new year 2010 arrives. T.T

It has been a tough week with 3 tests in a row. Screwing up my FM paper on Tuesday and this followed by MEB paper on Wednesday. IMSE paper on Thursday, the questions weren't that difficult. Just that, I was not well-prepared mentally. Still "mourning" over my past tests. Seriously at that point, I don't really care. I was reading notes but it was so hard to get them stucked into my head. They refuse to stay there. My mind wanted to fail me... ='(

I was so emotionally disturbed. I am not that smart despite of the achievement back in high school. Every time I reconnect with my high school friends, they expect me to be the same, the typical top achiever me, just like back in old time. Sadly, I am not. I am no longer the guy who used to be on top anymore. This does not give me pressure though. I am just disappointed that I cannot stay consistent in my performance. I know I can do better but the problem is, I am just lazy. What for working so hard for something that I don't really have interest in? Studying, revision, doing assignments, et cetera, all the motivations are coming by force. They don't come spontaneously. And, I am tired of forcing them to come.

I don't really like it when someone comes to me and say, "don't study lar..". That is the time I have my motivation which it comes by itself. If not, I won't be bother studying at all. Sometimes, sorry to say, I am really annoyed by this.

I don't have commitment problem, frankly speaking. You will never be questioning me. The key in accomplishing a task is the passion. It is something that you WANT to do, not you HAVE to do. There is a difference. I have passion in thing that I WANT to do.

Mummy called just now half way typing this post. Guess she get to know that I am being down right now ever since last call. Mummy always knows and she knows what's the best.

Still, am seeking for passion in my studies. I always try to believe that thing happens for a reason. I always try to believe that this journey will lead to a good ending. It can be bumpy sometimes, but it's worth to go for. Every time, my belief turns out to be right. =)

I know, it has been so negative for the past few posts. Oh well, it has been a real personal blog. So, just let it be here.

Till here for now.
And ya, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
*Can someone buy me chocolate? hehe...

Exhaustion

I am wondering if test 2 are meant to be screwed. Just done with my second test today and yeah, I screwed it up again, just like what happened yesterday. I have another 3 tests remaining and Final Exam comes in exactly 2 weeks time! Test has made the time passed by way much faster. Now, I am pushing those sides. Still, my mind is playing tricks on me.

I am seriously tired.
Tired of things that I have to do, not I want to do.
Tired of being blank. (quote from someone)
Tired of busy-ness that I know that I have a choice not to be in from the very beginning.
Tired of regretting.
Tired of sighing.
Tired of losing motivation.
Tired of questioning the objectives of what I am doing now.
Tired of wondering why I am now in UTP. Chemical Engineering is not really my interest in the first place.
Tired of making wrong options.
Tired of being tired.
This leads to exhaustion.

Talk to mum for nearly half an hour. Chat with someone.
All of them said, "Just look forward, what you have now is just temporary. Think of the future."
It is just so hard to hold on, sometimes.

Well, perhaps everyone will be having downside of their life. I am having mine now. lol
It has been a hard time and surely it will get tougher sooner. Guess that I need to do my best out of it.

So is everyone. Ganbatte yo~ =)
And, stay strong, too!

Hate this

Was studying and I am still studying Fluid Mechanics (but not right at this instant definitely) and I am so stressed up. Don't even understand a thing. Well, that is a bit exaggerating. I do but not when it comes to solve the problems. How come the questions are so complicated to comprehend? I scan through my tutorial questions and saw some unfamiliar terms which are not in the lecture notes (or may be I didn't revise my notes well enough, don't know, don't care). Textbook just makes things worst. Yeah, I read textbook. Just feel so insecure if I don't read it. But, it is so unnecessary and a waste of time. Come to think of it, it is not a waste of time. Wrong timing it is. Last minute. Pathetic, right? T.T

So gonna screw up the FM test later.
How I wish I can learn Maths and only Maths. Chemical engineer is not even my dream job because I don't really know what a chemical engineer does.

Lately, I detest a lot of people. There are so many persons in my wish-not-to-see list. Being too kind and considerate cause them to take thing for granted. Wish I could be a bit meaner, a bit less considerate, may be, I won't feel like this. Gosh, I feel so bad. Should have this feeling erased. Have problem tolerating and accepting others? I guess this is my problem. It is not used to be like this before. A sign of stress? I am not really sure.

Going to crunch my FM textbook and lecture notes, again. And ya, FACEBOOK! lol

*It has been a long while you didn't call. You are my de-stress-er! =)

Emptiness

Feeling alone or lonely?

Alone and loneliness; these two words come from the same root word, “lone” which means having no company or solitary. They are somehow related to one another. One says that if you are alone, that means you are lonely. If you are lonely, that means you are alone.

In my own terms, it does not work that way. Well, it is own personal experience, at least. Alone is more to the physical state of it; without anyone besides you. Loneliness, on the other hand, it is about how you feel beneath. It can’t be expressed; it’s a hidden emotion. To me, it is two different perspectives, depends on the way how you look at it.

For me, when you are alone, no one is there beside you, not necessarily you will feel lonely. There is always a special friend that paints a smile in your heart. Despite of the distance, you will have that warmth kind of feeling.
BUT, when you are feeling lonely, this truly means that you are really alone. This is pathetic kind of “lone” although you are surrounded by people. Somehow, you just don’t feel like to be in the crowd. How sad.

I am not emo-ing. I am not being alone. I am not feeling lonely.
I am just feeling, empty.

******************

Remember this list?

1. Introduction To Material Science (IMSE) Project - 21 Oct
2. IMSE Quiz - 22 Oct
3. Material & Energy Balance (MEB) Assignment - 23 Oct
4. IMSE Assignment - 23 Oct
5. Fluid Mechanics (FM) Report - 26 Oct
6. Engineering Graphics Project - 27 Oct
7. FM Test - 27 Oct
8. IMSE Test - 29 Oct
9. EG Test - 2 Nov
10. SPDS Test - 3 Nov

It was updated and became like this one day after I posted this that day.
1. Introduction To Material Science (IMSE) Project - 21 Oct
2. IMSE Quiz - 22 Oct
3. Material & Energy Balance (MEB) Assignment - 23 Oct
4. IMSE Assignment - 23 Oct
5. Fluid Mechanics (FM) Report - 26 Oct
6. Engineering Graphics Project - 27 Oct
7. FM Test - 27 Oct
8. *MEB Test 2 – 28 Oct
9. IMSE Test - 29 Oct
10. *MEB Quiz – 30 Oct
11. EG Test - 2 Nov
12.SPDS Test - 3 Nov
13. *SPDS project – 3 Nov

The current list:
1Introduction To Material Science (IMSE) Project - 21 Oct
2. IMSE Quiz - 22 Oct
3. Material & Energy Balance (MEB) Assignment - 23 Oct
4. IMSE Assignment - 23 Oct
5. Fluid Mechanics (FM) Report - 26 Oct
6. Engineering Graphics Project - 27 Oct
7. FM Test - 27 Oct
8*MEB Test 2 – 28 Oct
9. IMSE Test - 29 Oct
10. MEB Quiz – 30 Oct
11. EG Test - 2 Nov
12. SPDS Test - 3 Nov
13. *SPDS project – 3 Nov

4 weeks: 2 weeks of tests & 2 weeks of final exam officially commences tomorrow. Take this two weeks as warm up and get it all out for final. Ganbatte yo~, everyone!

Only one problem though: FINAL DRAFT OF FINAL EXAM TIMETABLE IS YET TO BE RELEASED. I am so tired of waiting and waiting. Checking the UTP website again and again. Lousy inefficient management and yet, they expect the students to be punctual in everything, follow their deadlines in submitting work, follow the rules and regulations and all. This is real stupid.

Anyway, I start to miss home already. Was browsing through photos in Facebook last night and found this.

Mummy and daddy

Homesick!
=')

23.10.2009

Despite of being packed with daily schedule, there are things in life far much important than tests, assignments, projects, etc. You may do badly or even flunk in final exam, life has to go on still. But, when you lose your loved ones, who you care so much, it takes time to pull yourself together again. The feeling is so much worst than failing your tests.

This post is specially dedicated to someone who has given me this life. Someone who has to bear with me for being rebellious, stubborn, mischievous and all the bad things you can think of in a yet-to-be-matured-who-think-he-is-so-smart eldest son. Someone who has cried and shedded tears for me. Too much hints. Enough said.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO MY BELOVED MUMMY!

me and my mum

Stay happy, stay healthy
=)

Love,
Baba